It seems I am consistently insconsistent, in writing in which in a sense means I am actually consistent at something!
Life is much the same yet so very changed. Being an adult orphan has affected me far more than I ever imagined. One would think that if you had a less than ideal childhood you might not miss your parents as much when they're gone. What a childish thought that was. Instead of looking back on fond fuzzy memories I have to sweep through cob webs of dirty messy memories to find one I can find some comfort it. It's almost a double whammy of death + destruction. I feel like my mind and heart need a Caution Sign "Currently Under Re-Construction". Trying to find out who you are, without the constraints of twisted 'ties that bind' with no blue print. But I'm working on that.
Once again a Blue October show since my last post - an amazing show on the "Sway" tour in Bloomington IL where I had the privilege of being with Missy as she took her 13yr old daughter to her first concert ever, and of course she is "true blue" as well so it was an amazing event. Best show I have seen yet, Justin is sober, fit and on fire! C.B. is back! All the boys seem like one big happy family again and stronger than ever.
I never posted about my "Open Book" meet and greet experience in Nashville TN. I think I subconsciously avoided the topic because it's actually not a warm memory at all. I blew it...I was so excited and manic that I am pretty sure I was "the annoying fan" and my connection with Justin was cold, unlike Missy who had such a warm wonderful connection with him. I am happy for her, she will always cherish that memory. As for me I pray to have the chance again. When I say "cold" I don't mean he was cold by any means...just distant. And looking back I don't blame him, I was talking a mile a minute and probably not making much sense. I can't even remember what I said now. And to top it off my picture with him turned out horrible. The only one in the whole album that was tanked - sunlight hit the back of the window and we are nearly just two shadows, and his face bearing the thought "hurry up and get her outta here" LOL Yes I am the Queen of Paranoid and I was probably just another of the many odd balls he meets. But I was disappointed in myself after a 6 hr trip to experience it.
Life is much the same yet so very changed. Being an adult orphan has affected me far more than I ever imagined. One would think that if you had a less than ideal childhood you might not miss your parents as much when they're gone. What a childish thought that was. Instead of looking back on fond fuzzy memories I have to sweep through cob webs of dirty messy memories to find one I can find some comfort it. It's almost a double whammy of death + destruction. I feel like my mind and heart need a Caution Sign "Currently Under Re-Construction". Trying to find out who you are, without the constraints of twisted 'ties that bind' with no blue print. But I'm working on that.
Once again a Blue October show since my last post - an amazing show on the "Sway" tour in Bloomington IL where I had the privilege of being with Missy as she took her 13yr old daughter to her first concert ever, and of course she is "true blue" as well so it was an amazing event. Best show I have seen yet, Justin is sober, fit and on fire! C.B. is back! All the boys seem like one big happy family again and stronger than ever.
I never posted about my "Open Book" meet and greet experience in Nashville TN. I think I subconsciously avoided the topic because it's actually not a warm memory at all. I blew it...I was so excited and manic that I am pretty sure I was "the annoying fan" and my connection with Justin was cold, unlike Missy who had such a warm wonderful connection with him. I am happy for her, she will always cherish that memory. As for me I pray to have the chance again. When I say "cold" I don't mean he was cold by any means...just distant. And looking back I don't blame him, I was talking a mile a minute and probably not making much sense. I can't even remember what I said now. And to top it off my picture with him turned out horrible. The only one in the whole album that was tanked - sunlight hit the back of the window and we are nearly just two shadows, and his face bearing the thought "hurry up and get her outta here" LOL Yes I am the Queen of Paranoid and I was probably just another of the many odd balls he meets. But I was disappointed in myself after a 6 hr trip to experience it.
Going through some depression issues in the last few days. I thought writing in this might help, but now that I have written about my Nashville experience I am kinda fucking bummed again. But I am committing to writing in this more. Probably just for me. I don't know that anyone even reads it. And that's ok - because "It's Just Me..."
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