Happy?

As usual...it's been a while! I have been having a very rough time since my last post....but frankly writing about all that bullshit will just get my wheels spinning and adrenaline pumping and I will go round 3 with a massive panic attack....sooooo instead, I propose we talk of happiness! Yes, a strange topic considering recent health drama...but I am happy damn it!

Imagine with me for a moment...You are walking down a city sidewalk, holding a large glass ball, thin fragile glass, the kind that would shatter upon impact. What if that glass ball was "happiness"? Happiness in your hands. Would you protect it with all your might, dodging traffic and wind gusts? Would you tuck it under your coat when the rain pours? Would it sit gently at home on a pillow of the softest down?  No before ya'll think I am completely insane...I am proposing an analogy here.

It seems that a lot of my life has been tossed upside down in some rough ways. Stability has been rough, money has been tight etc..etc...etc...But I no longer feel that looming tide that so often accompanies these rough patches. Instead I feel like I am weathering the storms. The positives in my life far outweigh any of the negative that keeps popping up. Sometimes it feels like I am being tested right and left. I had a serious panic attack yesterday. But everyone in my life, my everyday life, is supportive and understanding. Some plans needed to be canceled, some people were let down...but they all understood. I took the time to do what I needed to do to recoup and regroup so I could be out of the hole before the boys and I went out of town with friends. And having the freedom to do that is an indescribable burden lifted from my shoulders.

I refuse to be beaten down. I am happy, enjoying my time with the boys, making time with friends,being with the man I love, and feeling stable and steady. Not pressured to be anything but exactly who I am. Because everyone close to me in my life loves me just the way I am. Warts and all! LOL

The darkness always lingers but there is so much sunshine in my life right now the black is turning gray. The occasional fog settles in, or a swift storm, but the sun is always right there waiting to bust back through pushing it all away again. Maybe this is what it feels like to truly be happy.....I wish I could say the last time I remember feeling this way.

The Riptide Waltz at the Bipolar Ball

Another blog post I probably won't link to Facebook....but I really need to vent somewhere, and it's my blog damn it! If I wanna bitch a little I am gonna. Today's overload of stress worrying about money has taken it's toll on my fragile piece of sanity. Frankly I am not doing well. I feel the riptide trying to sweep me under and there's always that part of the brain that just wants to say "Fuck It!" and let your feet fall out from under you and let the deep dark cold waters swallow you and cradle you in your misery, justifying all your reasons for not leaving the bed, not eating...or over eating, isolating, shutting the world out, worrying your friends and pissing off acquaintances who aren't used to your ' highs and lows'. Struggling to do the bare minimum, plastering a smile on your face for the sake of your kids and walking through the quicksand of misery to go through the motions of living your life. Yup...I could easily slip into that this week. It's begging me, serenading me to let go, loose my grip and fall under. Only someone who struggles with severe depressive issues can completely understand the seduction of slipping....it's not that we enjoy depression. I would compare it to a recovering addict staring at a loaded syringe, forced to decide between what they should do and what their brain is begging them to do. The seduction of the darkness is overwhelming.

It's no secret that I am bipolar, I carry my illness on my sleeve, I am not ashamed of things I can't control. I am also not afraid to hold myself accountable for times like these. The edge of the cliff. While I may eventually loose my ability to control this downward spiral I am taking all necessary precautions to prevent the slip. Friends came to my rescue in unbelievable ways, ensuring that my family has food to eat and necessities to keep us clean and even indulge in a few treats. A wonderful woman who knew our plight, slipped 5 bags of groceries at my door before driving off and texting me to look outside. The kind gesture brought back so many memories of my childhood. The shame I felt about our poverty, the humiliation I felt going to the food pantry with my Mom, the days gone without electricity etc....and while my gut instinct was to be ashamed, the laughter and excitement of the boys really put things in perspective for me. Discovering some of their favorite treats like marshmallows and cinnamon rolls, and fun meal kits, even some toys and craft supplies...along with toilet paper, soap and laundry detergent, brought the kids so much pleasure. It really put a new spin on generosity for me. I stopped my tears and smiled with them, I knew it wouldn't occurr to them to be ashamed unless the saw and felt my own. So we had a chat about always helping others when you can, and to accept help when you really need it. Ego should be eliminated in times like these.

Helping others when I can brings me so much joy, especially anything that brings joy to a child. It has occurred to me today that being ashamed is the same as being ungrateful. Someone found happiness today doing a good deed, and my children found great pleasure in their generosity. And while I still think I will have a hard time accepting charity, today I choose to simply be thankful. Thankful for my wonderful friends, many of whom are family in my heart, and to new friends jumping to help a family in need. There was a lesson learned today. I am rich in so many ways....far richer than most. I have the unconditional love and support of some amazing people.

 I am ever thankful to my best friend Missy who never blinks an eye about a houseful of kids and me hanging around the house. Together we keep each other sane...and today she and her husband Brad did just that. Tears and laughter filled the day and even though I am still struggling, the warmness lingers from their love and support. The choice to go over there today instead of crawling under my covers was a huge proactive step in trying to ward off the dark tide. There is no garauntee that I won't wake up tomorrow depressed beyond belief. Sometimes people like me loose the ability to stop it.  But I am keeping a positive outlook. I have survived so much, this hiccup in my life really should be a piece of cake. However the words whispered from one son to the other today linger in my ears, flooding me with uncomfortable memories, and also creating a new mountain of respect for my own mother. If she could do this, with far bigger mental struggles, I can do this! I can! I can!  A promise to myself is to get the the Wizard ASAP if my symptoms have not improved by Thursday. Considering the drastic circumstances I find myself in, a med adjustment may be necessary as a temporary solution. I am already forcing myself to pay attention to my fluid and food intake. It's usually the first thing to go and I have been struggling with lack of appetite lately anyway. So I forced myself to eat supper with the kids. I have loaded up on fluids witht he hope that tomorrow will be a brighter day. But the Beast Bipolar occasionally stomps over my every effort...I may have to hit my knees for the first time in a long time, remembering to be grateful before I ask for strength...because I truly have so much to be thankful for! If only my illness would lift it's blinders to see it. The Beast is blind to positivity when the darkside rises. Instead of one day at a time....one minute at a time is necessary to make it through the day. I have made it throught the 15 minutes I took writing this, and the next 15 will be spent trying to occupy my mind with  positive thoughts.

So I have bored you, perhaps worried you or confused you. Welcome to my madness. This is life in the Land of Jada. Count your blessings, love each other, care for each other, be grateful and always pay it forward. Sometimes a smile to a forlorn stranger is the best gift that person may recieve all day...be generous and frivilous with your smile. It's contagious! And don't be discouraged if the smile is not returned. Sometimes people like us loose the ability to emotionally respond when in a crisis, but it does not mean your smile was wasted. It may have meant all the world to the person behind that painful look. Maybe I should link this rambling thing to Facebook after all...somebody out there may  be struggling tonight, sometimes just knowing you are not alone helps get you through the night. 

Fragile! Handle with Caution...

I am reminded today of how fragile life is. 11 years ago many of us were mourning the tragic loss of Kasey Overton in a car accident. A year later the loss of my mother knocked my train of it's track for nearly a decade, I think I am just now starting to drive my own train again. As the years have gone by more and more friends lost and buried...I can remember how shocking death seemed when I was a child and teenager, now it only leaves me with a sad aching reminder of how limited our time is here on this Earth and the absolute need to make the most of it. Autumn always brings bittersweet memories to me. Perhaps it's watching the the leaves die and fly away, and the magical way the earth creates it's own little temporary grave for the season.

Leaves crunching under my feet, and the brisk breezes that whip around me this time of year always seem to give me the strange need to take stock of my life, where it is going? What am I doing to better it?  Many of my major life changing events occurred in Autumn. I didn't really realize how many until I started writing this. Engagement...pregnancies...nervous breakdown...divorce...  And here I am today once again preparing for a life changing event, moving. A decision that was hard, scary and exciting.

So as Mother Earth packs up her treasures and tucks them away till Spring, I am packing up my meager belongings (I like meager...Live Simply, Simply Live) to start over once again, with a thankful heart that I have been given another day to enjoy my life and love my loved ones. Hold your loved ones tightly, show your friends they are treasured, and pray for your enemies...life is far too fragile for any less. 

I could name them all, but it would take too long...the list of people on my heart today who I will never wrap my arms around again is long and tragic...

The Lesson...beware of Obsession!

I have been meaning to write about my FANFUCKINGTASTIC experience at the Blue October concert. It was amazing, fun, life changing, tear jerking, and an all around soulful experience. Only true music lovers with a passion for certain artists's own passions would understand what I mean by that. Blue October is not a band meant only to entertain. It's a continuing story of survival by a man, Justin Furstenfeld, who suffers many of the same mental struggles as I do. So many identify with his words, as they speak for us and give us a face, without shame, showing our weaknesses and our strengths. They are also a great example of being pro-active about your mental health. There are no hidden "excuses" when Justin needs inpatient treatment for manic OR depressive issues. No shows are canceled for "exhaustion" or "illness". If he had to get help...he's is not afraid to say it! For this I ADORE them...it is perhaps somewhat of an obsession. But I am allowed a few obsessions, I am crazy too after all.

The purpose of this post is to list the lessons I learned from the show Saturday Night. While my heart was ripped from my chest and cheers and tears filled the night...this list is NOT what you might think it is about. As my BFF Missy and I arrived there were quick lessons to be learned on how to conduct yourself while standing (for 5 hours) on the floor, close to the stage, basking in the light that is Blue October:

Jada Learned:

1. Arrive EARLY...
2. Ignore your age...yes the pretty little giggly teeny boppers make you feel like a rusty old truck, but the event probably holds far more meaning to you, so fuck em..
3. Take Drugs! A handful of Ibuprofen, a few Tylenol and smuggle a few more in your pocket for good measure. Your back, legs and feet will quickly REMIND you of your age far quicker than those teeny bobbers.
4. Get dehydrated. You are not going to risk loosing your spot to pee...so if you are already dehydrated when you go in, you're good to go. You can grab a Gatoraide on your way out the door. Suck it up!
5. Stand Your Ground! Which leads me to the next important list.

To those of you surrounding Jada and Missy:

1. Don't even try it kid! When the crowd starts to get thick and you skinny little girls try to get to the stage to get close to Justin, back off! In the words of Missy to one such little bitch: "It ain't happening so keep on movin!" We will not budge from our prime spot so you can giggle at his "hotness" We didn't buy these tickets at the box office, we bought them the day they went on sale! We mean business!
2. Don't heckle the Artists! After many polite attempts from others to sshh a drunken ass from heckling the opening act I had enough. My politeness only goes so far. "Would you SHUT THE FUCK UP?!" just loudly flew out of my mouth without a thought...met with cheers by other fed up fans. (Tourettes maybe?)
3. Do NOT grab Missy to move her!  This was the funniest moment of all...some chick grabbed Missy by the shoulder, arrogantly saying "Ya, I'm that girl" (you know the ones who will stop at nothing to get to the front) Missy promptly shoved her back and informed her "Not tonight you're not!"
4. We Love fellow obsessed fans! Even if you are a pretty little teenager. You can tell a true "Blue" fan. One who is moved to tears with you, connecting with the music and poetry. After getting to know one such young woman before the show, I helped shove her to the very front, at her very first show so Justin could reach her hand! The most touching part was that she ran to Missy and I for hugs of happiness, before she ran to her friends. A kindred spirit indeed. <3

 

 

While it took us 15 minutes of sitting in the car to feel our legs again...a night like that with my most kindred spirit and best friend are memories I will always treasure! All lessons aside, the greatest lesson of all was love. The concert was a gift from Missy for my birthday!! She bought them at the end of July just in time for my birthday in August. I love love love her!