Happily Turning Blue... Hello again

What a slacker, I had tons of time to blog when I was a stay at home. These days I do well to check my e-mail!  Life is GOOOOD these days. A job I love, a new apartment and the boys have grown so fast! I am more in love each day with the most amazing man ever....and Blue October just released their latest album! What more could I ask for?!

There have been ups and downs in the last year, including an inpatient stay at my local friendly psych ward...but it was much needed and well worth it. Getting back on track with a therapist has helped me stay grounded again. Thanks Miss Jane! My Daddy finally got his angel wings and flew home June 14th. I feel a bit lost with both parents now gone. But they are both where we all belong <3

All that seems to consume my mind today is the new Blue October CD Sway. My autographed copy is on it's way, but I have a digital copy on my office computer. Guess what...the office is empty today except for ME! Guess what I have blaring \! I am just now getting the feel of  the songs I didn't already know (early release singles). A new album for me is kind of like swimming in the ocean, there's eagerness, cold toes, getting used to it, then diving under the waves into the magic... The anticipation is amazing, but as a writer myself, I have to get a feel for the lyrics before I absorb the music. Sometimes my least favorite ends up being an absolute favorite. I can remember the first time I heard X Amount of Words, honestly I didn't care for it, now I sing it all the time, scream along at concerts and it is my go to song when things get slippery.

Missy and I had the honor of hearing Not Broken Any More on the Open Book tour (Nashville, TN - yes we actually drove that far!) as Justin explained it's heartfelt meaning and played us an acoustic version. --I will write about that show soon, I could write 100,00 words about it -- Anyway, this song reminds me so much of the love I have found. Every single word is the story of Us. This is my current fave...ok yes I have sooo many faves it's crazy. Check it out for yourself!
Not Broken Anymore - Justin Furstenfeld

Did I mention we had meet and greet tickets?? More on that later.

The other topic weighing heavy on my mind today is just as overwhelming but much less wonderful. Syria...we are the verge of WW3 as I see it. My children have yet to live in "Peace Times", I fear they never will. I could fill another post about this, but I am trying to put it out of my mind. It makes my heart literally ache for all the innocent people, families, children will be wiped from the face of this beautiful Earth for the sake of a few evil people.

More to come later...I'm gonna liven this blog up!

 

Happy?

As usual...it's been a while! I have been having a very rough time since my last post....but frankly writing about all that bullshit will just get my wheels spinning and adrenaline pumping and I will go round 3 with a massive panic attack....sooooo instead, I propose we talk of happiness! Yes, a strange topic considering recent health drama...but I am happy damn it!

Imagine with me for a moment...You are walking down a city sidewalk, holding a large glass ball, thin fragile glass, the kind that would shatter upon impact. What if that glass ball was "happiness"? Happiness in your hands. Would you protect it with all your might, dodging traffic and wind gusts? Would you tuck it under your coat when the rain pours? Would it sit gently at home on a pillow of the softest down?  No before ya'll think I am completely insane...I am proposing an analogy here.

It seems that a lot of my life has been tossed upside down in some rough ways. Stability has been rough, money has been tight etc..etc...etc...But I no longer feel that looming tide that so often accompanies these rough patches. Instead I feel like I am weathering the storms. The positives in my life far outweigh any of the negative that keeps popping up. Sometimes it feels like I am being tested right and left. I had a serious panic attack yesterday. But everyone in my life, my everyday life, is supportive and understanding. Some plans needed to be canceled, some people were let down...but they all understood. I took the time to do what I needed to do to recoup and regroup so I could be out of the hole before the boys and I went out of town with friends. And having the freedom to do that is an indescribable burden lifted from my shoulders.

I refuse to be beaten down. I am happy, enjoying my time with the boys, making time with friends,being with the man I love, and feeling stable and steady. Not pressured to be anything but exactly who I am. Because everyone close to me in my life loves me just the way I am. Warts and all! LOL

The darkness always lingers but there is so much sunshine in my life right now the black is turning gray. The occasional fog settles in, or a swift storm, but the sun is always right there waiting to bust back through pushing it all away again. Maybe this is what it feels like to truly be happy.....I wish I could say the last time I remember feeling this way.

The Lesson...beware of Obsession!

I have been meaning to write about my FANFUCKINGTASTIC experience at the Blue October concert. It was amazing, fun, life changing, tear jerking, and an all around soulful experience. Only true music lovers with a passion for certain artists's own passions would understand what I mean by that. Blue October is not a band meant only to entertain. It's a continuing story of survival by a man, Justin Furstenfeld, who suffers many of the same mental struggles as I do. So many identify with his words, as they speak for us and give us a face, without shame, showing our weaknesses and our strengths. They are also a great example of being pro-active about your mental health. There are no hidden "excuses" when Justin needs inpatient treatment for manic OR depressive issues. No shows are canceled for "exhaustion" or "illness". If he had to get help...he's is not afraid to say it! For this I ADORE them...it is perhaps somewhat of an obsession. But I am allowed a few obsessions, I am crazy too after all.

The purpose of this post is to list the lessons I learned from the show Saturday Night. While my heart was ripped from my chest and cheers and tears filled the night...this list is NOT what you might think it is about. As my BFF Missy and I arrived there were quick lessons to be learned on how to conduct yourself while standing (for 5 hours) on the floor, close to the stage, basking in the light that is Blue October:

Jada Learned:

1. Arrive EARLY...
2. Ignore your age...yes the pretty little giggly teeny boppers make you feel like a rusty old truck, but the event probably holds far more meaning to you, so fuck em..
3. Take Drugs! A handful of Ibuprofen, a few Tylenol and smuggle a few more in your pocket for good measure. Your back, legs and feet will quickly REMIND you of your age far quicker than those teeny bobbers.
4. Get dehydrated. You are not going to risk loosing your spot to pee...so if you are already dehydrated when you go in, you're good to go. You can grab a Gatoraide on your way out the door. Suck it up!
5. Stand Your Ground! Which leads me to the next important list.

To those of you surrounding Jada and Missy:

1. Don't even try it kid! When the crowd starts to get thick and you skinny little girls try to get to the stage to get close to Justin, back off! In the words of Missy to one such little bitch: "It ain't happening so keep on movin!" We will not budge from our prime spot so you can giggle at his "hotness" We didn't buy these tickets at the box office, we bought them the day they went on sale! We mean business!
2. Don't heckle the Artists! After many polite attempts from others to sshh a drunken ass from heckling the opening act I had enough. My politeness only goes so far. "Would you SHUT THE FUCK UP?!" just loudly flew out of my mouth without a thought...met with cheers by other fed up fans. (Tourettes maybe?)
3. Do NOT grab Missy to move her!  This was the funniest moment of all...some chick grabbed Missy by the shoulder, arrogantly saying "Ya, I'm that girl" (you know the ones who will stop at nothing to get to the front) Missy promptly shoved her back and informed her "Not tonight you're not!"
4. We Love fellow obsessed fans! Even if you are a pretty little teenager. You can tell a true "Blue" fan. One who is moved to tears with you, connecting with the music and poetry. After getting to know one such young woman before the show, I helped shove her to the very front, at her very first show so Justin could reach her hand! The most touching part was that she ran to Missy and I for hugs of happiness, before she ran to her friends. A kindred spirit indeed. <3

 

 

While it took us 15 minutes of sitting in the car to feel our legs again...a night like that with my most kindred spirit and best friend are memories I will always treasure! All lessons aside, the greatest lesson of all was love. The concert was a gift from Missy for my birthday!! She bought them at the end of July just in time for my birthday in August. I love love love her!

Ulcers and Angels...The Soundtrack of Romantic Fatigue

If you enjoy the tunage of And We All Shine On  then perhaps you have heard song #19 by Frank Turner Romantic Fatigue....

Oh how I have been there! While a humorous song, it is a well known condition for a writer. A lover finds a collection of your writing...and there in your own hand are confessions of love and devotion. Smart writers don't date such poems...so when we are asked we can look you in the eye and smile "Of course darling, I wrote this about you just the other day" We are lying, we wrote it ages ago for someone who for a moment took our breath away and then choked the living shit out our desire to breath...or vice versa.

I am suffering from Romantic Fatigue, as Frank so cleverly puts it.

I sometimes fear I am no longer capable of love, or that the one that I would love is never to be found, has already slipped through my fingers or died a horrible death of some mysterious disease or is being held captive by the Columbian Mafia for writing derogatory poetry about cocaine...Yes, the more dramatic the excuse, the easier it is to reconcile myself to...

The song Bubble Toes by Jack Johnson (also on this playlist...#29) has always been a favorite of mine. If a man felt that much for me I think I could write poetry about him daily, eager and hungry for more and more words to express my love....

Alas...there are only stacks of old poems written about past loves, lovers, or would be lovers. My poetry website is full of such poems. Now, mind you, I am not a gushy writer...my affection for you might be compared to an ulcer on a bleeding heart or some other strangely endearing analogy...what can I say, I am just not a rainbows and roses kinda gal.

Maybe I am not meant to love again. Maybe I don't know how. Maybe I forfeited my chance. Or maybe someday Mr. Bubble Toes will sweep me off my feet. Heaven help him when he does. Long jaded and brutally honest...there will be no hesitation in responding, in the words of the great Frank Turner..."I didn't write this one for you..."

For now it seems these words  hold even truer from dear Frank:
Every life-long-love, and every best friend, slips away into the past.
Take my words with caution, I can't pretend that you're the first.
You won't be the last.



But secretly I hold to the hope that someday Mr. Bubble Toes can honestly say "She gives me presents, With her presence alone" (refer to song #17) And then I can finally celebrate song #3...

But again a brutally honest woman herself Ani speaks the truth "No one's gonna sympathize when we crash, you hit what you head for, you get what you ask..." 

 However song #24 would grant my heart and soul to the person who truly fit the description...however my playlist only seems to play a blip of the song, so now you sorry bastards will have to YouTube that, or are already fanfuckingtastically awesome and know every word to that song and understand what it means to want a Quiet Mind.

Until then I shall try not to song # 20, especially by means of song #1. I shall try to loose the #34 attitude, and if song #7 occurs, refer to song #11 and then remember #8 because even though #22 seems mostly impossible for me...ya'll are fuckin' AWESOME!! 

If you finished this entire post...you either have a lot of time on your hands or you may need professional help. It's certifiably insane....but I just felt like writing it. My apologies...thus refer to song #10!

UPDATE  August 29, 2013:  Mr. Bubble Toes and I are still together and madly in love. I have found my soul mate. Forever.