Another blog post I probably won't link to Facebook....but I really need to vent somewhere, and it's my blog damn it! If I wanna bitch a little I am gonna. Today's overload of stress worrying about money has taken it's toll on my fragile piece of sanity. Frankly I am not doing well. I feel the riptide trying to sweep me under and there's always that part of the brain that just wants to say "Fuck It!" and let your feet fall out from under you and let the deep dark cold waters swallow you and cradle you in your misery, justifying all your reasons for not leaving the bed, not eating...or over eating, isolating, shutting the world out, worrying your friends and pissing off acquaintances who aren't used to your ' highs and lows'. Struggling to do the bare minimum, plastering a smile on your face for the sake of your kids and walking through the quicksand of misery to go through the motions of living your life. Yup...I could easily slip into that this week. It's begging me, serenading me to let go, loose my grip and fall under. Only someone who struggles with severe depressive issues can completely understand the seduction of slipping....it's not that we enjoy depression. I would compare it to a recovering addict staring at a loaded syringe, forced to decide between what they should do and what their brain is begging them to do. The seduction of the darkness is overwhelming.
It's no secret that I am bipolar, I carry my illness on my sleeve, I am not ashamed of things I can't control. I am also not afraid to hold myself accountable for times like these. The edge of the cliff. While I may eventually loose my ability to control this downward spiral I am taking all necessary precautions to prevent the slip. Friends came to my rescue in unbelievable ways, ensuring that my family has food to eat and necessities to keep us clean and even indulge in a few treats. A wonderful woman who knew our plight, slipped 5 bags of groceries at my door before driving off and texting me to look outside. The kind gesture brought back so many memories of my childhood. The shame I felt about our poverty, the humiliation I felt going to the food pantry with my Mom, the days gone without electricity etc....and while my gut instinct was to be ashamed, the laughter and excitement of the boys really put things in perspective for me. Discovering some of their favorite treats like marshmallows and cinnamon rolls, and fun meal kits, even some toys and craft supplies...along with toilet paper, soap and laundry detergent, brought the kids so much pleasure. It really put a new spin on generosity for me. I stopped my tears and smiled with them, I knew it wouldn't occurr to them to be ashamed unless the saw and felt my own. So we had a chat about always helping others when you can, and to accept help when you really need it. Ego should be eliminated in times like these.
Helping others when I can brings me so much joy, especially anything that brings joy to a child. It has occurred to me today that being ashamed is the same as being ungrateful. Someone found happiness today doing a good deed, and my children found great pleasure in their generosity. And while I still think I will have a hard time accepting charity, today I choose to simply be thankful. Thankful for my wonderful friends, many of whom are family in my heart, and to new friends jumping to help a family in need. There was a lesson learned today. I am rich in so many ways....far richer than most. I have the unconditional love and support of some amazing people.
I am ever thankful to my best friend Missy who never blinks an eye about a houseful of kids and me hanging around the house. Together we keep each other sane...and today she and her husband Brad did just that. Tears and laughter filled the day and even though I am still struggling, the warmness lingers from their love and support. The choice to go over there today instead of crawling under my covers was a huge proactive step in trying to ward off the dark tide. There is no garauntee that I won't wake up tomorrow depressed beyond belief. Sometimes people like me loose the ability to stop it. But I am keeping a positive outlook. I have survived so much, this hiccup in my life really should be a piece of cake. However the words whispered from one son to the other today linger in my ears, flooding me with uncomfortable memories, and also creating a new mountain of respect for my own mother. If she could do this, with far bigger mental struggles, I can do this! I can! I can! A promise to myself is to get the the Wizard ASAP if my symptoms have not improved by Thursday. Considering the drastic circumstances I find myself in, a med adjustment may be necessary as a temporary solution. I am already forcing myself to pay attention to my fluid and food intake. It's usually the first thing to go and I have been struggling with lack of appetite lately anyway. So I forced myself to eat supper with the kids. I have loaded up on fluids witht he hope that tomorrow will be a brighter day. But the Beast Bipolar occasionally stomps over my every effort...I may have to hit my knees for the first time in a long time, remembering to be grateful before I ask for strength...because I truly have so much to be thankful for! If only my illness would lift it's blinders to see it. The Beast is blind to positivity when the darkside rises. Instead of one day at a time....one minute at a time is necessary to make it through the day. I have made it throught the 15 minutes I took writing this, and the next 15 will be spent trying to occupy my mind with positive thoughts.
So I have bored you, perhaps worried you or confused you. Welcome to my madness. This is life in the Land of Jada. Count your blessings, love each other, care for each other, be grateful and always pay it forward. Sometimes a smile to a forlorn stranger is the best gift that person may recieve all day...be generous and frivilous with your smile. It's contagious! And don't be discouraged if the smile is not returned. Sometimes people like us loose the ability to emotionally respond when in a crisis, but it does not mean your smile was wasted. It may have meant all the world to the person behind that painful look. Maybe I should link this rambling thing to Facebook after all...somebody out there may be struggling tonight, sometimes just knowing you are not alone helps get you through the night.
It's no secret that I am bipolar, I carry my illness on my sleeve, I am not ashamed of things I can't control. I am also not afraid to hold myself accountable for times like these. The edge of the cliff. While I may eventually loose my ability to control this downward spiral I am taking all necessary precautions to prevent the slip. Friends came to my rescue in unbelievable ways, ensuring that my family has food to eat and necessities to keep us clean and even indulge in a few treats. A wonderful woman who knew our plight, slipped 5 bags of groceries at my door before driving off and texting me to look outside. The kind gesture brought back so many memories of my childhood. The shame I felt about our poverty, the humiliation I felt going to the food pantry with my Mom, the days gone without electricity etc....and while my gut instinct was to be ashamed, the laughter and excitement of the boys really put things in perspective for me. Discovering some of their favorite treats like marshmallows and cinnamon rolls, and fun meal kits, even some toys and craft supplies...along with toilet paper, soap and laundry detergent, brought the kids so much pleasure. It really put a new spin on generosity for me. I stopped my tears and smiled with them, I knew it wouldn't occurr to them to be ashamed unless the saw and felt my own. So we had a chat about always helping others when you can, and to accept help when you really need it. Ego should be eliminated in times like these.
Helping others when I can brings me so much joy, especially anything that brings joy to a child. It has occurred to me today that being ashamed is the same as being ungrateful. Someone found happiness today doing a good deed, and my children found great pleasure in their generosity. And while I still think I will have a hard time accepting charity, today I choose to simply be thankful. Thankful for my wonderful friends, many of whom are family in my heart, and to new friends jumping to help a family in need. There was a lesson learned today. I am rich in so many ways....far richer than most. I have the unconditional love and support of some amazing people.
I am ever thankful to my best friend Missy who never blinks an eye about a houseful of kids and me hanging around the house. Together we keep each other sane...and today she and her husband Brad did just that. Tears and laughter filled the day and even though I am still struggling, the warmness lingers from their love and support. The choice to go over there today instead of crawling under my covers was a huge proactive step in trying to ward off the dark tide. There is no garauntee that I won't wake up tomorrow depressed beyond belief. Sometimes people like me loose the ability to stop it. But I am keeping a positive outlook. I have survived so much, this hiccup in my life really should be a piece of cake. However the words whispered from one son to the other today linger in my ears, flooding me with uncomfortable memories, and also creating a new mountain of respect for my own mother. If she could do this, with far bigger mental struggles, I can do this! I can! I can! A promise to myself is to get the the Wizard ASAP if my symptoms have not improved by Thursday. Considering the drastic circumstances I find myself in, a med adjustment may be necessary as a temporary solution. I am already forcing myself to pay attention to my fluid and food intake. It's usually the first thing to go and I have been struggling with lack of appetite lately anyway. So I forced myself to eat supper with the kids. I have loaded up on fluids witht he hope that tomorrow will be a brighter day. But the Beast Bipolar occasionally stomps over my every effort...I may have to hit my knees for the first time in a long time, remembering to be grateful before I ask for strength...because I truly have so much to be thankful for! If only my illness would lift it's blinders to see it. The Beast is blind to positivity when the darkside rises. Instead of one day at a time....one minute at a time is necessary to make it through the day. I have made it throught the 15 minutes I took writing this, and the next 15 will be spent trying to occupy my mind with positive thoughts.
So I have bored you, perhaps worried you or confused you. Welcome to my madness. This is life in the Land of Jada. Count your blessings, love each other, care for each other, be grateful and always pay it forward. Sometimes a smile to a forlorn stranger is the best gift that person may recieve all day...be generous and frivilous with your smile. It's contagious! And don't be discouraged if the smile is not returned. Sometimes people like us loose the ability to emotionally respond when in a crisis, but it does not mean your smile was wasted. It may have meant all the world to the person behind that painful look. Maybe I should link this rambling thing to Facebook after all...somebody out there may be struggling tonight, sometimes just knowing you are not alone helps get you through the night.
3 comments:
Hang in there. I am so glad you have Missy to help hold you up. That is one thing that I really miss having is someone who cares enough to help hold me and keep me sane during my rough times.
I've been there a lot the last few months, with each day things seem to fall more and more apart financially and emotionally, which of course leads to physical downfall.
I know the feeling all too well of having those thoughts and fears creep back up due to current cicrumstances, I've been there myself lately.
I am so grateful for the chance to just be myself this last weekend and not have to worry about any damn care in the world, except having fun!
Hang in there, watch your fluids, and make yourself eat (even if you don't want to or think that if you don't eat then you are helping out by saving money and food for the boys. Don't let yourself fall into that train of thought no matter how easy it might seem!) This beast can be tamed and sent back to the cave to wait to emerge again later. Listen to your Blue October and focus on finding strength again.
I'm here from a distance as best as I can be :D
Jada.
You can find the strength. It's there, within you, and you know it's there. I cannot judge depression. I have never had it--but OH, I have observed it and lived with it!! I can tell you, as you well know, that everything you feel, those little guys pick up on also, so as posted above, don't let yourself go there if you can help it.
There are so many people today who had nothing to eat...no soap, no TP, no milk...and guess what?? No one cared. No one. But you loved enough to reach out. And you love enough that someone loved enough to care and share with you.
That alone is one of the biggest uppers I can think of! That someone loved enough..cared enough...took the time and the money and the love to go get some of what you needed and shared with you and the boys...that has to be one of the best feelings. To be loved that much.
I walk in your shoes. I have for a long time now. You know that--I just didn't get left in good circumstances, no matter what the rumor mill of the big O says. That doesn't matter. What does matter is that I did find out that there is a lot more good people out there than I ever did know about...you will be ok. You will. Your heart is strong, your love is strong, and you will come out better than ever from this. And, you will pay it all forward when you get the chance to.
I think you said it so well, in your post, yourself. You are rich in so many ways...so many.
Love to you from Mama Beans.
Wounded I wish with all my heart you were closer to me! I know your struggles and it's horrible to not have a safety net nearby. But I am only a phone call away. Don't ever hesitate to call.
I love you Mama Beans! You always put things in perspective for me. I woke up ok today. I am determined to stay that way! <3
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