It's Just Me

It seems I am consistently insconsistent, in writing in which in a sense means I am actually consistent at something!

Life is much the same yet so very changed. Being an adult orphan has affected me far more than I ever imagined. One would think that if you had a less than ideal childhood you might not miss your parents as much when they're gone. What a childish thought that was. Instead of looking back on fond fuzzy memories I have to sweep through cob webs of dirty messy memories to find one I can find some comfort it. It's almost a double whammy of death + destruction. I feel like my mind and heart need a Caution Sign "Currently Under Re-Construction". Trying to find out who you are, without the constraints of twisted 'ties that bind' with no blue print. But I'm working on that.

Once again a Blue October show since my last post - an amazing show on the "Sway" tour in Bloomington IL where I had the privilege of being with Missy as she took her 13yr old daughter to her first concert ever, and of course she is "true blue" as well so it was an amazing event. Best show I have seen yet, Justin is sober, fit and on fire! C.B. is back! All the boys seem like one big happy family again and stronger than ever.

I never posted about my "Open Book" meet and greet experience in Nashville TN. I think I subconsciously avoided the topic because it's actually not a warm memory at all. I blew it...I was so excited and manic that I am pretty sure I was "the annoying fan" and my connection with Justin was cold, unlike Missy who had such a warm wonderful connection with him. I am happy for her, she will always cherish that memory. As for me I pray to have the chance again. When I say "cold" I don't mean he was cold by any means...just distant. And looking back I don't blame him, I was talking a mile a minute and probably not making much sense. I can't even remember what I said now. And to top it off my picture with him turned out horrible. The only one in the whole album that was tanked - sunlight hit the back of the window and we are nearly just two shadows, and his face bearing the thought "hurry up and get her outta here" LOL Yes I am the Queen of Paranoid and I was probably just another of the many odd balls he meets. But I was disappointed in myself after a 6 hr trip to experience it.

Going through some depression issues in the last few days. I thought writing in this might help, but now that I have written about my Nashville experience I am kinda fucking bummed again. But I am committing to writing in this more. Probably just for me. I don't know that anyone even reads it. And that's ok - because "It's Just Me..." 

Happily Turning Blue... Hello again

What a slacker, I had tons of time to blog when I was a stay at home. These days I do well to check my e-mail!  Life is GOOOOD these days. A job I love, a new apartment and the boys have grown so fast! I am more in love each day with the most amazing man ever....and Blue October just released their latest album! What more could I ask for?!

There have been ups and downs in the last year, including an inpatient stay at my local friendly psych ward...but it was much needed and well worth it. Getting back on track with a therapist has helped me stay grounded again. Thanks Miss Jane! My Daddy finally got his angel wings and flew home June 14th. I feel a bit lost with both parents now gone. But they are both where we all belong <3

All that seems to consume my mind today is the new Blue October CD Sway. My autographed copy is on it's way, but I have a digital copy on my office computer. Guess what...the office is empty today except for ME! Guess what I have blaring \! I am just now getting the feel of  the songs I didn't already know (early release singles). A new album for me is kind of like swimming in the ocean, there's eagerness, cold toes, getting used to it, then diving under the waves into the magic... The anticipation is amazing, but as a writer myself, I have to get a feel for the lyrics before I absorb the music. Sometimes my least favorite ends up being an absolute favorite. I can remember the first time I heard X Amount of Words, honestly I didn't care for it, now I sing it all the time, scream along at concerts and it is my go to song when things get slippery.

Missy and I had the honor of hearing Not Broken Any More on the Open Book tour (Nashville, TN - yes we actually drove that far!) as Justin explained it's heartfelt meaning and played us an acoustic version. --I will write about that show soon, I could write 100,00 words about it -- Anyway, this song reminds me so much of the love I have found. Every single word is the story of Us. This is my current fave...ok yes I have sooo many faves it's crazy. Check it out for yourself!
Not Broken Anymore - Justin Furstenfeld

Did I mention we had meet and greet tickets?? More on that later.

The other topic weighing heavy on my mind today is just as overwhelming but much less wonderful. Syria...we are the verge of WW3 as I see it. My children have yet to live in "Peace Times", I fear they never will. I could fill another post about this, but I am trying to put it out of my mind. It makes my heart literally ache for all the innocent people, families, children will be wiped from the face of this beautiful Earth for the sake of a few evil people.

More to come later...I'm gonna liven this blog up!

 

Happy?

As usual...it's been a while! I have been having a very rough time since my last post....but frankly writing about all that bullshit will just get my wheels spinning and adrenaline pumping and I will go round 3 with a massive panic attack....sooooo instead, I propose we talk of happiness! Yes, a strange topic considering recent health drama...but I am happy damn it!

Imagine with me for a moment...You are walking down a city sidewalk, holding a large glass ball, thin fragile glass, the kind that would shatter upon impact. What if that glass ball was "happiness"? Happiness in your hands. Would you protect it with all your might, dodging traffic and wind gusts? Would you tuck it under your coat when the rain pours? Would it sit gently at home on a pillow of the softest down?  No before ya'll think I am completely insane...I am proposing an analogy here.

It seems that a lot of my life has been tossed upside down in some rough ways. Stability has been rough, money has been tight etc..etc...etc...But I no longer feel that looming tide that so often accompanies these rough patches. Instead I feel like I am weathering the storms. The positives in my life far outweigh any of the negative that keeps popping up. Sometimes it feels like I am being tested right and left. I had a serious panic attack yesterday. But everyone in my life, my everyday life, is supportive and understanding. Some plans needed to be canceled, some people were let down...but they all understood. I took the time to do what I needed to do to recoup and regroup so I could be out of the hole before the boys and I went out of town with friends. And having the freedom to do that is an indescribable burden lifted from my shoulders.

I refuse to be beaten down. I am happy, enjoying my time with the boys, making time with friends,being with the man I love, and feeling stable and steady. Not pressured to be anything but exactly who I am. Because everyone close to me in my life loves me just the way I am. Warts and all! LOL

The darkness always lingers but there is so much sunshine in my life right now the black is turning gray. The occasional fog settles in, or a swift storm, but the sun is always right there waiting to bust back through pushing it all away again. Maybe this is what it feels like to truly be happy.....I wish I could say the last time I remember feeling this way.

Tarnished Yellow Brick Road...

Today another angel visited my porch...more groceries and necessities. I am humbled beyond words, but thankful. There are even razors in here....do you know how long it's been since I shaved my legs?? Trust me, you don't want to know. Razors have not been on the shopping list in a loooong time. If women have survived hairy legs for 5000 years, I assume I can last a few weeks when I am plannin my budget. My heart is so thankful..and there is just no way to express just HOW VERY THANKFUL I am...and yet the depression is nipping at my ankles. Biting hard...the siren song of darkness...crawl in my bed, turn off the lights, sleep all day, awake all night, avoiding calls and knocks on the door. The Beast is stomping, huffing and puffing in my head. I have cracked the whip, screamed at him, kicked at him...and he just laughs. I don't have the energy to fight this battle...I keep thinking just one more nap and I will feel better. Well that would make 2 already today and it's only 12:33pm!  I hate this disease with a livid passion. But even that hate is not enough to fight it sometimes. Looks like a call to the Wizard will be in order very soon....

The Riptide Waltz at the Bipolar Ball

Another blog post I probably won't link to Facebook....but I really need to vent somewhere, and it's my blog damn it! If I wanna bitch a little I am gonna. Today's overload of stress worrying about money has taken it's toll on my fragile piece of sanity. Frankly I am not doing well. I feel the riptide trying to sweep me under and there's always that part of the brain that just wants to say "Fuck It!" and let your feet fall out from under you and let the deep dark cold waters swallow you and cradle you in your misery, justifying all your reasons for not leaving the bed, not eating...or over eating, isolating, shutting the world out, worrying your friends and pissing off acquaintances who aren't used to your ' highs and lows'. Struggling to do the bare minimum, plastering a smile on your face for the sake of your kids and walking through the quicksand of misery to go through the motions of living your life. Yup...I could easily slip into that this week. It's begging me, serenading me to let go, loose my grip and fall under. Only someone who struggles with severe depressive issues can completely understand the seduction of slipping....it's not that we enjoy depression. I would compare it to a recovering addict staring at a loaded syringe, forced to decide between what they should do and what their brain is begging them to do. The seduction of the darkness is overwhelming.

It's no secret that I am bipolar, I carry my illness on my sleeve, I am not ashamed of things I can't control. I am also not afraid to hold myself accountable for times like these. The edge of the cliff. While I may eventually loose my ability to control this downward spiral I am taking all necessary precautions to prevent the slip. Friends came to my rescue in unbelievable ways, ensuring that my family has food to eat and necessities to keep us clean and even indulge in a few treats. A wonderful woman who knew our plight, slipped 5 bags of groceries at my door before driving off and texting me to look outside. The kind gesture brought back so many memories of my childhood. The shame I felt about our poverty, the humiliation I felt going to the food pantry with my Mom, the days gone without electricity etc....and while my gut instinct was to be ashamed, the laughter and excitement of the boys really put things in perspective for me. Discovering some of their favorite treats like marshmallows and cinnamon rolls, and fun meal kits, even some toys and craft supplies...along with toilet paper, soap and laundry detergent, brought the kids so much pleasure. It really put a new spin on generosity for me. I stopped my tears and smiled with them, I knew it wouldn't occurr to them to be ashamed unless the saw and felt my own. So we had a chat about always helping others when you can, and to accept help when you really need it. Ego should be eliminated in times like these.

Helping others when I can brings me so much joy, especially anything that brings joy to a child. It has occurred to me today that being ashamed is the same as being ungrateful. Someone found happiness today doing a good deed, and my children found great pleasure in their generosity. And while I still think I will have a hard time accepting charity, today I choose to simply be thankful. Thankful for my wonderful friends, many of whom are family in my heart, and to new friends jumping to help a family in need. There was a lesson learned today. I am rich in so many ways....far richer than most. I have the unconditional love and support of some amazing people.

 I am ever thankful to my best friend Missy who never blinks an eye about a houseful of kids and me hanging around the house. Together we keep each other sane...and today she and her husband Brad did just that. Tears and laughter filled the day and even though I am still struggling, the warmness lingers from their love and support. The choice to go over there today instead of crawling under my covers was a huge proactive step in trying to ward off the dark tide. There is no garauntee that I won't wake up tomorrow depressed beyond belief. Sometimes people like me loose the ability to stop it.  But I am keeping a positive outlook. I have survived so much, this hiccup in my life really should be a piece of cake. However the words whispered from one son to the other today linger in my ears, flooding me with uncomfortable memories, and also creating a new mountain of respect for my own mother. If she could do this, with far bigger mental struggles, I can do this! I can! I can!  A promise to myself is to get the the Wizard ASAP if my symptoms have not improved by Thursday. Considering the drastic circumstances I find myself in, a med adjustment may be necessary as a temporary solution. I am already forcing myself to pay attention to my fluid and food intake. It's usually the first thing to go and I have been struggling with lack of appetite lately anyway. So I forced myself to eat supper with the kids. I have loaded up on fluids witht he hope that tomorrow will be a brighter day. But the Beast Bipolar occasionally stomps over my every effort...I may have to hit my knees for the first time in a long time, remembering to be grateful before I ask for strength...because I truly have so much to be thankful for! If only my illness would lift it's blinders to see it. The Beast is blind to positivity when the darkside rises. Instead of one day at a time....one minute at a time is necessary to make it through the day. I have made it throught the 15 minutes I took writing this, and the next 15 will be spent trying to occupy my mind with  positive thoughts.

So I have bored you, perhaps worried you or confused you. Welcome to my madness. This is life in the Land of Jada. Count your blessings, love each other, care for each other, be grateful and always pay it forward. Sometimes a smile to a forlorn stranger is the best gift that person may recieve all day...be generous and frivilous with your smile. It's contagious! And don't be discouraged if the smile is not returned. Sometimes people like us loose the ability to emotionally respond when in a crisis, but it does not mean your smile was wasted. It may have meant all the world to the person behind that painful look. Maybe I should link this rambling thing to Facebook after all...somebody out there may  be struggling tonight, sometimes just knowing you are not alone helps get you through the night. 

Reality Bites....and Hurts....

How did I get here?....I just overheard my oldest whisper to my youngest "Don't ask for milk...we don't have any and we don't have any more money"  Sadly...he is right. Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing...was my happiness and sanity worth it? At least they would have never had to worry if Mommy could feed them. I am hitting rock bottom fast...

Occupy It!

Help I've been kidnapped....by the ancient ways of pre-www life. Since our move to town I haven't been able to acquire Internet service. Working on that, but food and rent come first. We are all adjusting well to life in town, although EVERY time I hear a car door shut (which is often, considering this a duplex subdivision) I think someone is coming to my door and have the urge to turn off the lights and pretend I am not home...then it occurs to me it's just my neighbors going about their business. Living in the middle of nowhere spoiled me on the luxury of no traffic. But it is soooo nice to be able to run to the store or a drive thru or a the video store and be home within minutes! YES! For a homebody like me that is heaven.

So my topic of the day....OWS and what it means for society.

Life is good at the moment except for a drastic loss in hours at the job I love. The economy is shit and much like me, nobody can afford luxuries right now. So the luxury of eating at a nice restaurant is not high on every one's list.  It has occurred to me that my children are being raised in what is essentially the second Great Depression. We might not feel so deprived because we all bought our laptops, iPhones, iPad, iPod and iEverything Else without acknowledging that the tragic snowball is growing bigger and rolling faster...but as I watch my kids play the Wii and all the games on my Android I am also rationing out milk, cooking as cheaply as possible while still trying to make healthy meals and traveling out of town as little as possible to conserve gas. When you are scrounging the house for money to buy gas...it's time to rethink the budget. But even recalculating doesn't seem to help...we are bled dry.

So am I the 99%? You bet! And would I be a part of the Occupy Wall Street movement if I could? Absolutely! But unfortunately I have no choice but to punch the clock and keep the wheels turning in this crazy life of mine. But I support these men and women....when they are told to "go back to work" or "get a job" their response is "We are too busy fighting for YOU so You can keep Your job!" And I completely support that idea! Thank you to the OWS movement for trying to push change. I don't want my children to grow up suffocated by the power of the wealthy. "We The People" means ALL THE PEOPLE!

Having worked in the banking industry for years I can attest to the four main categories a productive "99% American citizen" seems to fall in. Low income, working full time, paying taxes and STILL relying welfare for food and health care...and STILL not cutting it. (Me) Middle income people who are skating by without government assistance, but living paycheck to paycheck and literally one paycheck away from disaster (my status while married), Middle income Americans living comfortably with the ever present threat that they may fall victim to the economy and be forced to live on their savings...and that can only hold out for so long. From the outside looking in it's easy to assume those who fall in the last bracket of my categories really don't have it too bad, but financial safety is an illusion to almost every citizen in the US.....the true extreme is the 1%. And that 1%, because of it's wealth, has more power than any of us can fathom. Our rights as American citizens are influenced, infringed and sometimes completely removed by this small group of people whose power and money directly affect humans on a global level.

Until we decide to start giving a shit...nothing will change. So give a shit damn it! Even if all you can do is pray or send good vibes to those who are protesting for you. Even if you disagree with OWS...they are fighting for you anyway. Fighting for all of us. Change must occur if we want our children to live in a country where they can feed their own children with a true and fair government watching out for their interests.

*climbing off my soap box....ducking the rotten tomatoes*